Novel : The Suffering Love vol1

 

Chapter 1

The second funeral

“Would you know my name? If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same? If I saw you in heaven? I must be strong

And carry on

Cause I know I don’t belong, Here in heaven”

-Eric Clapton

Yeah, what a bright, sunshiny day it turned out to be. Truth to be told, it’s been cloudy for a while now. I haven’t seen sunshine neither felt it for

days. The smell of a thunderstorm is crisp and strong in the air. The light breeze is creeping up my spine and gently stroking the inner side of my soul. It’s like an unwanted, warm entity slowly trying to freeze me within.

Small raindrops glide gracefully down from the grey, fail misty clouds. The roaring thunder should make its acquaintance and bring Akashita from the heavens; already there to open the floods from the heavens. When the rain comes it will allow me to hide the screeching pain from my soul. I can

finally let out the obnoxious-pain-scream that’s been hidden inside of this empty shell for some time now.

As the rain pours down, the little white coffin with its golden shiny handles is been lowered down into the depths of this hell we call earth, leaving you lost. My tears fall like raindrops from heaven, if there is even one. I only

notice the soft pink roses on your coffin. They lay there contemptuously. As the priest said all he could, even knowing it would not change a god Damm thing. I strutted towards your coffin with a heavy burden. My feet, hands, my body feels like they have been chained to massive iron balls.

On the painful path towards your coffin, I reached into my pocket. I pulled out a necklace, your necklace. It is a silver cross it had your name

engraved into it. Funny how shiny things caught your attention. This would’ve looked so perfect on you. I was planning to give it to you on your sixteenth birthday, but that day would never come. I lay the necklace now on your grave while wondering

Did you ever truly experience real-life sadness? I mean sadness, not sadness. The type that will make you tear open your chest and pull out

your million pieced heart and as it beats in your hand, you squash it like it was a bug. The type that leaves you drowning in your tears. The type that makes you so angry, makes you regret, yes, regret. Regret everything

trying to blame it on something or someone, but there are no fingers to be pointed. I feel like dying or running as far away as I can. Knowing nothing can be changed. I wonder if this is as far as the pain can go. My heart is cracked right down the middle. Shattered into a million pieces. I feel

incomplete, broken, and alone, like an astronaut in space. The only

question left to ask is what is a human life worth? What was your life worth? Can I exchange mine for yours?

Funny enough how people say that time heals everything and that things will get better as you move along, but how, how can I do that! I mean you even haven’t lived yet. How can life be so beautifully cruel? I just don’t

understand why you had to be ripped out of my life. Why did it have to be you? Why does Death punish me like this? I can’t. I already lost your

mother, and now I lost you as well. As the song’s lyrics were written, I

truly wonder will I ever see you again. Will you even recognize me or will I recognize you? You were my last bit of hope; you were my anchor, and you made it heaven on earth. I truly wish that I could lie next to you. This pain is unbearable. This pain I can’t…. Why? Why? Why…. I mean, really. My

baby girl, Daddy’s little girl. You should’ve grown up and been my

everything. I didn’t even get the chance to walk you down the aisle nor

threaten your boyfriends, my little blue-eyed girl. You have your mother’s eyes, though. Thinking about leading you down the aisle while I never

even got the chance to be your father. You left too soon, my heartbreaker, my champ. My life!! I will always be your daddy, even if you were here only for 2 weeks. You will forever live in my heart and you’ll live forever in my life, not just as a memory, but as my little girl.

Chapter 2

The start of something new

*Beep Beep Beep!!*

It was Monday morning. The sun just came peeking over the hills of Japan. A chilly breeze came rushing through my window. I can smell Japan. Its scent is so fresh and clean, it truly smells delightful. I was just woken by a pesky alarm and realize that I should go to school. So I lift my lazy butt

and got ready. As I came down the stairs, there was yet again no sign of my father.

Since my mother died 10 years ago, he turned into a workaholic. It is probably his way of dealing with the pain and the loneliness. I should probably not complain, cause it was not for him. Where would I have been?

At school, it was the second period, and we received a free period. My

friends and I were seated in the hallway in our usual spot in the sun. They were, as usual, arguing about something irrelevant to the differences in sexes. I was writing a story. I was aiming to become a novelist one day.

While I was busy writing when she came our way, Sensei Mayo. Sensei Mayo was my history teacher and one amazing woman.

.

I was up on the top floor of the school building, well actually, you can call it the roof. I intoxicated my lungs with some good old smoke. As I recall

taking a pull and breathing it in, as if it was my last cigarette ever, she

then came up the staircase. I was star-struck. I did not know what to do. I was for sure in huge trouble now. I searched deep within for words that were lost. I… I just need something, anything. As heroic as one can be the wind came to save me, it grabbed the papers out of my hands and scatters them everywhere making me forget about everything. I even dropped my cigarette. I rushed up to collect them. Sensei then helped me to pick them up and place them in the right order. When she handed them over, it was

like time was being frozen and as if everything around us disappeared. I can distinctively remember the details about that moment:

Her eyes were bright blue. It was easy to get sucked into them, and they are a temptation. When I look at them, I see galaxies. I could feel

butterflies destroying my stomach, and everything was just beautiful. Her eyes were the windows to her soul. They could tell a million stories just by getting a glimpse of them.

The second thing I noticed was her smile. She had a killer smile. Her smile melts hearts all around her while crushing them just with an itsy-bitsy of a grin. It was more than enough to stop one’s heart by making it skip a few million beats while hit restarts it and catch up a few thousand more.

Then there is her skin. I only felt it for the first time when she handed over the papers. It feels soft and smooth, like a newborn child’s skin. It was like touching the softest rose pedals or stroking the fluffiest kitten. It felt marvelous.

And then lastly is her lips. Oh... how do I grave those cherry red lips since the day I saw them. It looks so soft, so tender, and so kissable. It must

taste like strawberries and roses. Kissing them was not just a dream, but a lifelong achievement. Her lips seemed so warm and chapped. They appear so frailly strong, pure like they were untouched.

And I almost forgot her voice, which was so calm, so sweet but as deadly as the Grimm reaper himself, ripping you back to reality while luring you down a spiral of random words, leaving you in awe.

“What are you doing up here?” she asked. “Ummmm. Truth be told,

Sensei, I’m up here to catch some fresh air while I am writing. It is

unusually quiet up here, and it creates the perfect atmosphere as well”: I replied. She snips at me like a small little dog going for your calve: “You

mean to smoke?” there was an awkward silence for a while then she broke it “What are you writing?” “It is a work in progress, not yet ready to be seen by someone else” I replied while stroking my fingers through my hair, hoping she had already forgotten about the infringement and maybe my charm will blow it off.

She handed over the papers and turned around and walked back. All

thoughts stuck in my head now were ‘damm I got lucky’ and ‘look at that ass’ as she was walking away. Suddenly, she stopped and looked back at me. My heart will kill me this time, since it skipped a few beats while

pounding a few thousand extras. “I better be the first one to read it! Oh, and don’t let the other teachers catch you up here,” she said with that superb smile of hers while carrying on walking away. I did not know at first what this feeling was inside me. It is a warm sensation, like

something was wrong, but it felt so good. I felt like I was glowing from the inside outwards. I felt like screeching of joy like a little girl and as this

feeling crashed over me like a wave, I just stared down and realize that I screwed up because something was lurking and staring back at me from below.

 

 

Chapter 3

The nightmare

Have you ever woke up, and it all seemed awkward. Like you know fully that you are awake, but somehow it feels like a dream soon to become a nightmare and there is absolutely no escaping the outcome. Well, As the days drifted by, Sensei Mayu and I found ourselves to visit each other

more and more. I would usually be up on the roof and then later on she would appear out of thin air. These little occurrences became somewhat more sentimental for me.

But today was different. As I made my way up the staircase, an icy feeling came pouring all over me like someone just poured a bucket of freezing

ice cold water over my head. I stood still for a second. Sensei Mayu was

facing away from the entrance, but why was she here before me? My heart beats more and out of order. One foot in front of the other, I made my way to her. Why did it feel so heavy, so burden like to walk to her?

As I was trotting towards her, I could clearly see that something was

different. Her posture was not like the usual, full of confidence as it should be. It seemed as if she was hit by a train. No, that’s not it… it seemed as if something wrecked her. She seemed totally and utterly destroyed.

When I reached her, I placed my hand on her shoulder. I could feel the

burden that’s upon her lifting off like I was forcing demons or something out of her. And then she shook as though she was placed in the artic with no warm clothes. She was shaking. Is…. Is she crying?

As she turned around, I could only get a glimpse of her tear-filled eyes before she fell into my chest. It was as if she just fought her last 100th battle in a war and it was finally ending. I wrapped my arms around her

and hold her tight as tight as I could. I hope I can provide the comfort she needed because I could feel her pain. I could feel that she was hurt.

My shirt was drenched in tears, like I went for a swim in a river or something and just got out and as her tears dried out, I placed my hands on her shoulders slowly withdraw her from the comfort zone and for a few lifelong seconds stared into her blue watery eyes. I wanted time to freeze in that moment, but reality kicked in and, as idiotic as can be, I demanded her to tell me what is wrong. Those words seemed to lacerate her back

into reality. Her eyes opened up for the first time and it was my face

that…. That seemed to haunt her like a ghost from the past. Her facial

expression at that moment was as if she just committed the world’s worst crime ever. Fear and terror appeared along and she was devastated.

She whispered back: "It’s Nothing”

“It can’t be nothing if you are crying about it, Sensei,” I said.

“You won’t get it. You are too young to understand. It is only a thing adults would understand and you are still a mere child. You still need to grow up and find yourself. Then maybe one day you will understand” was her response; those words left me in agony pain, it was like being betrayed

and shot right through the chest. It felt like I caused this. My mind searched for answers rambling through days and days of interaction with her in a matter of a second. But why would she say such things? This is

not Sensei Mayu, but something else, something that changed her. How dare she be so blunt? But? Was it something I did? She then shoulder

blocked me slightly and walked as if she never had a heart, as if she was an empty vessel.

As she slowly disappeared down the staircase, I gave in to the rage and

anger within me. I swung at the fences around and punched all the poles I could find and with each punch it hurt more, but not as much as her words and actions ever could, but I was hoping it would. That’s why I kept on

punching. I hoped that the pain from my punches would overlap and

surpass those of my heart. In the end, the pain from the heart won. After I completely lost my breath, I looked at my hands. Blood dripped off of

them. They beat as if they were each a heart with its unique own pulse, and then the excruciating pain of open wounds and broken bones made their presences felt. All that was left to do was let out a loud scream…

Un for seeing the consequences, I attract a lot of attention and other teachers came rushing up the staircase. They saw me where I was kneeling, hopelessly, and did not bother to even ask question, to be

honest, who does even it is the 21st century and being a teenager is said to be one of the hardest things yet, what I wished was for someone to talk to me to ask me what was wrong. They only take you to the nurse and she will stich you up and send you on your way. How delightful!

While walking for a bit I finally came to a room above it was I board that said “Nurse’s office”. The teacher whom escorted me told me just to go in and that the nurse will be with me in a while.

So, being a good boy, I went in and I did not know what to do. There was a bed, a chair, a desk. Where should I sit? Should I even be sitting? Wow, okay, this is super awkward! It really was not long before the nurse came in and, by the looks of it, I should get injured more, because that woman was a knockout. Her voice was also so sweet. I swear she was telepathic

because she asked me straight up:” Was this out of anger and frustration or what seemed to cause this injury?” I Knew I could not lie to her: “It was indeed” She then asked if it had something to do with a girl and stupidly I gave away the anser: “How did you know? She explained:” you see when a man is in love you can see it in his eyes. They differ from the others’ eyes.

They gave off this comfortable feeling, you know, they make you feel happy.”

Wait, hold a second. Is this what causes Sensei Mayu to act like she did? Could she see in my eyes that I had a crush on her? Did I make her feel uncomfortable, or maybe too comfortable? This is all my fault. After the

nurse did her inspection and took x-rays, it turned out that I broke my left hand in 3 places and I broke 2 of my fingers on the right hand. My dad was going to be pissed at me, Never the less the highlight of the day was after I left the nurse’s office I was on my way to class and while I was

making my way towards class, someone grabbed me from the side and pulled me into the girls’ bathroom.

 

 

Chapter 4

The beginning of the end

I was on my way to class and while I was making my way towards class, someone grabbed me from the side and pulled me into the girls’

bathroom...

I was blinded by the and shiny mirrors. My nose felt like a volcano, ready to erupt with all the unique perfumes in the air. I breathed more heavily. My life is endanger I can die at any moment soon. I could still not make out whom the person was, who dragged me into the girls’ bathroom. It is really giving me a nervous breakdown.

Could it be? Really? No! Sensei? Sensei Mayu?

Did she just really pulled me into the girls’ bathroom? I was flabbergasted. Why? What reason did she have to do such a thing? What is going on?

“Sensei, what is going on? Why did you pull me into the girls’ bathroom? OH MY! The girls’ bathroom!” I tried to sound disgusted and confused, but I believe I failed. Sensei Mayu had tears in her eyes. Could it possibly be

that she is still crying? Why is she sad? She asked me if I was okay and then she continued to apologies for my injuries. After that, my life changed.

“Listen, I know you think that I’m the biggest bitch in the world. And you have every right to I was mean, but Yaku, please you understand that...

Things are not as it seems,” she went rambling on.

“What do you mean things don’t seem as they are” I replied rhetorically.

She explained things were complicated, that she was complicated, and

that she was confused and did not know a certain feeling she felt. She told me that this feeling was so wrong on varies of levels, but yet it felt right.

She kept on telling me it would complicate things, and that it was unfair towards me. She went rambling on and still I could not comprehend what she was trying to explain to me.

Then out of nowhere, she grabbed me by my shirt; she is quite strong for a woman. She had me up in the air even tho my toes still touched the

ground. “Do you know why I was crying today on the roof?” she asked me. Before I could anser she snapped at me: “it was a rhetorical question! You still don’t get it, do you? You are immature as I thought you were!” It was just there where I lost my temper and grabbed her by the color, picking

her up. “Immature, is that what you think of me? Do you even know how hard you are making it for me every day? I am trying so hard to... (Should I say it? Should I tell her how I feel about her? What will happen....................................................................... AH

SKREW it) to hide my feelings for you. Sensei, I’m in love with you.”

She was not shocked but seemed relieve yet very frightened of what was going to happen. At first I did not understand why until she said that she can’t anymore and then the best thing that could ever happen to me did. Well, to be honest, it happen so fast, but it lasted forever.

Later that evening, as I opened the tap for the shower, warm water came racing down and the steam filled the room. I took off my clothes and climbed into the shower. I can feel the hot water running against my skin.

It is trying to penetrate my skin, but it acts like unbreakable shields and the drops’ attempts are just worthless. As I stood there, I closed my eyes

and the only thought was, why do we do it? Why does a person close one’s eyes? Why do we close our eyes when we pray? When we listen to a song? When we kiss?

The eyes of a person are the windows to their soul. You can tell so many things about one person by just looking into their eyes. You can see their aims in life and the setback they had in life. You can even tell what mood they are in just by maki9ng eye contact. Our eyes are our strongest weapon and, therefore, our greatest weakness. What I am trying to say is that if really think about it is our eyes that betray us, making us see what we want to. If you take away a person’s sight, all the other senses hypes

up. So the simple reason for a person to close their eyes is to feel and not to see. The moment I closed my eyes, I could feel. I felt the water; I felt

the humidity. I felt everything.

Chapter 5: The confrontation

 

 

“Whom of you can tell me in which year did America bomb the two cities of Japan, Hiroshima and Nagasaki?” I quickly raised my hand. I was the only student with my hand up. “The USA bombard Japan in the year

1945…” Her words faded away like the end of the song on the radio. Is she deliberately ignoring me? What the hell is her problem?

 

 

When the period ended, I waited until all the other students left. I

pretended to leave and as I approached the door; I close it. I turned

towards her and walk straight up and stood face to face with her. The distance between our lips was so close I could taste her breath.

“What is your problem?” I asked her. I could feel her breath pick up, I

heard her swallow.” I must confess I am insatiable for your love. You are the forbidden fruit. There are urges in my body that are full of you” she took a deep breath, and continued with a shakily breathe. “Cravings that

possess every letter of your name, and such desires seem to have no end.” She then turned her head away and walked around me. I grabbed her arm and asked: “If not now, when? If there’s no reason, then why not? When

things are meant to be, we should leave it to be.” I left her arm, and she rushed out of the classroom.

After school, I head straight home on the way it rained. Rain came down pouring in such a manner as miserable my life was. It made me think that we as a human race are always in such a rush, actually a race to see who could finish it first, never the less the faster you travel, the harder you hit the ground and the bigger you splat. I realized that when you hasten

things just makes the outcome so much more tremendous.

I got home soaking wet and had a raging ass of a dad up my ass. There are days I wish he could just work and not come home. As he kept on yelling, I went up to take a shower. I got into the shower and while standing there, my phone went off. I reached out to read the text *Meet me at the train station tomorrow morning ... P.S. Bring a towel and sunscreen.-Love Jess* Who the fuck is Jess? I don’t know a Jess! Is someone trying to catfish me? I put the phone back and enjoyed the rest of my shower.

Once I was done in the bathroom, I went down to join my dad for dinner.